Friday, October 17, 2008

The wicked web of weight woven for me...sometimes by me

So here I am blogging about weight. Yep. Not so fun, got a lot of it, have to do something about it, weight. YUCK! But I figure if I say it out loud it might just be helpful to getting rid of the jiggle that doesn't make me giggle.

I have decided to team up with Missy at It's Almost Naptime and a few other determined souls that want to get rid of the part of us that shames, bugs or disturbs us most...yep...the weight.

Here is my story, a few frightful pictures and my game plan.

I am a fun loving, like to play and have fun kind of girl. I am the mother of two young kids (16.5 months apart...oh you can visualize part of my issue right here cant you?) I also suffer from two autoimmune diseases both of which I would kill to be with out.

When I met my husband I was a very unhealthy 107lb. The sad thing is that hadn't been my lowest weight. At one point I was under 100lbs all due in part to having Ulcerative Colitis. Sickly enough, I actually loved being 107. I felt good when I looked in the mirror and got compliments all the time. It actually made being sick bearable because I was being stroked and uplifted for being so "tiny." Now I can see how people with eating disorders feel. Sadly, I sometimes wish I would come out of remission so this weight would quickly disappear. Terrible I know but we all have mental baggage and maybe that will be a link to another blog one day.

When my husband and I got married I was at 115lbs rising to 117 one week a month. Never ever admitting what I am about to...I hated being in that weight zone, I longed for the 107. However, I knew that I was a bit more healthy at that spot on the scale. I think the 8lb weight gain was in short to being more clam...which is good for a UC patient and also all those dating meals. Yummy.

After being married for a year I was hospitalized for my it came...what I had dreaded most. I was placed on steroids. First through the IV then threatened with a pick line if I didn't take the darn pills. This was a really ugly battle for me inside. I knew the steroids would most likely make me better. But what I also knew is that it would pad me up. I would gain weight. My sick mind longing for that 107 (I was at 111) fought the thought of what would happen to me. Puffy, insomnia and a out of control hunger is what the result was...just as I had thought. I fought the hunger as best as I could, proud of myself for only gaining 12lbs. This was a small amount of weight for the dose I was on. I was weaned off the steroid gradually week after week. I began my fight to lose those 12lbs....I think I lost 3...yep pretty sure only 3lbs went away. So there I sat at 120lb. You can imagine that I wasn't happy. Oh how I would be now.

In late 2004 after being somewhat UC free. I say this somewhat jokingly because if you know UC you are never completely somewhat free. Unless you are told officially that you are in remission. Then it really is just a ticking time bomb before it strikes again. Hmmm, wondering when that might be...ugh stop that ML! In that later part of that year as well as earlier that year we had tried to get pregnant...several miscarriages later we ended that year unsuccessful in that area. We started 2005 hopeful but I wasn't feeling well. I wasn't looking well. I was puffy and not from steroids. I felt tired. I was losing hair and irritable. In February we thought we were pregnant. I was ecstatic. But then told it was a three day pregnancy...not viable. Let down again and still not feeling well. By this time I was up to 126 and really starting to not feel good about myself...oh that 107 right. My OB ran some tests the next month as we were going to be sent off to a fertility specialist. One day when I was there and she was reviewing some results she told me that I had off the chart thyroid issues. That I needed to go and meet with an Endocrinologist. So not only was I going to meet with a reproductive endocrinologist I had to meet with an endocrinologist. When interviewing "fertility" doctors we were told that nothing could happen until by my GI and Endocrinologist signed off on me being healthy enough to "get" pregnant. So then began the waiting game.

I got in with the Endocrinologist and found out just how tricky this little thyroid can be. I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease. I was told that it would be a long road to getting it right. It was. 10 months, 10 long months. Each month the nurse would call with my results. She got use to just saying to me; "not this month...sorry." I secretly hated that nurse until the day she called me and said "this month, this month you are cleared. You can try to have that baby." I out loud loved that nurse that day. I think I might even have told her that I loved her...her words. So I was released by my GI and the Endocrinologist....did I mention that during this 10 month period I was admitted back into the hospital again. Another round of steroids. Another 10lbs added to me. I was sitting at 136 while listening to the plan again on how we would make a baby. I say again because during those 10 months we under went tests and had come up with a game plan. This game plan would be put into motion as soon as I was given the green light. We didn't want to miss the window of opportunity. We didn't want me to get sick again. There was already a yellow light blinking that I might not have a healthy pregnancy due to the UC. But oh how I conquered that. I got pregnant. I loved being pregnant. I was told I was in remission during my pregnancy. Did I mention I loved being pregnant. I never felt so good. I felt normal. I felt blessed. I did however notice the scale going up and up. I figured after the baby I would lose weight, I would lose the extra weight from two rounds of steroids and the thyroid weight. I was a strong willed person. I could do it. Yep...I was a little wrong.

I ended my first pregnancy at 158 on delivery day. I gained 22lbs. Pretty good I thought. I came in under the 25 typical weight gain. I was proud of myself, I had 22lbs of baby to lose and then I thought I could lose another 20 to get back to somewhat healthy me. 116. Yep didn't happen.

I got down to 138. I was hopeful. I was wearing pre pregnancy jeans. Then Mr. Thyroid started lurking....I don't like him. I went up in weight. I felt terrible. I needed to see a doctor. They told me I had several tumors on my thyroid. We would need to biopsy. I could have thyroid cancer. Did I mention I don't like Mr. Thyroid. Luckily, no cancer. By the way Thyroid cancer is one of easiest cancers to help the body rid itself of. However, I was up to 147. 147 that is 40 more than 107, my sick mind surely didn't like that. The doctor adjusted my medication and guess what....the next month I found myself pregnant. Pregnant with the starting weight of 147. I had mixed emotions. Can you diet when pregnant. OK that thought quickly left my mind when I saw that tiny little heart beat on the u/s machine.

So 147 and starting a second pregnancy with a under one year old baby. I thought to myself. 'You only gained 22 last time maybe this time you wont gain that much. Maybe you will lose it all right after the baby is born. You'll have two. You'll be super busy." I was pretty sure I would be OK. So when second baby was delivered I was at 171. That was a weight gain of 24lbs. 24lbs, 2lbs more than my first pregnancy...must be because I had a boy the second time. I was determined to lose the weight. I needed to get back at least to that 147 and then slowly back to 136 and then finally near...OK not the 107, I just wanted to float between 117 and 120. That would make me happy.

I am still not happy. I am not happy because I haven't gotten any where near where I want to be. I am sad because I look in the mirror and wonder who that person is. I am sad because as adoring as it is to see how much my children love me, their mother. You know that feeling you get when they look and smile at you. To them you are the "prettiest mommy" in the world. I love that feeling. I hate that it fades so fast. It makes me sad that my babies wont have any or just one or two pictures of mommy and me in there baby albums. I opt to take the pictures.
Weight loss is not from the lack of trying. I watch what I eat. I admit that I have a sweet tooth and sometimes I eat on the run...I am human. But I have a degree in nutrition darn it, I should be better at this. I exercise...walk almost everyday. But something more has to be done.

I want to have pictures in their books. I want to be thin. I want to be thin and healthy. I want to feel good in my jeans. I want to feel good in my own skin. Heck truth be said. "I want to feel good naked." I am sure most of you out there understand what I mean.

So I have started my journey of weight loss. I have committed to lose 38lbs because well truth be told. I turned 38 and figured that was a good number to lose. Would I like to lose more. Yep. You bet. I would love to lose 50lb. OK its out there. If I would love to lose 50 than that means I have 50lbs to lose. SO here it goes. I am going to post my weight for all the world and there cousin to see. I weigh 155.6lbs. That means I have only lost 16lbs from the second pregnancy. But 155....that is a long way from the 107 that I use to be. 107 unhealthy pounds compared to 155, which by the way is also unhealthy because I am only 5'2. Unhealthy weight issues that's me.
That is all of me. So my resolve is to be a healthy 117. Can that happen all these years later...I married back in 2003. Well I will strive to do it. The day I want to be at my target weight, you ask. March 29th 2009. My wedding anniversary. I want to feel good naked. Grin.

Here is my plan.

1. I joined weight watchers. In the words of Little Einsteins and my daughter...."I can not believe it!"
2. I will be committed to tracking my food and following the plan.
3. I joined the gym. I am committed to going three days a week.
4. I will walk with my neighbor who has kids the same age. She has lost her weight...and has a cool stroller. I will walk with her 4-5 days a week.

That's how I will do it. That's what I am committed too. Do I think I will lose it all by the holidays. NOPE. But I can at least try to lose 1/2. Then God willing I will have it off by my above mentioned goal date. Do I long for UC to set back in? Truth be told I have uttered the words. BUT I know that I would be no good to anyone. My family would suffer if that was the case. Will it happen at some point. Yes...its a time bomb ticking down. I will battle that when the time comes. For now I just want to battle the jiggle that doesn't make me giggle!!!

Follow my progress every Friday as I strive to get fit. Pray that I am guided to fitness. God helps those that help themselves. Right? Right!!! God help me...I started helping myself.

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Missy @ It's Almost Naptime said...

Wow, Merry Lynn. I didn't know any of this stuff!! So glad you shared it!

Well I am so excited that you are joining us and very glad that you have a degree in nutrition so you really know what you are doing.

And, honey, I don't like that 107 picture at ALL!!! I totally don't think you need to lose 50lbs. No way.


Evan Guy said...

Go run a marathon!

Running is THE best bang-for-the-buck!

Or a Half-Marathon. Or at least try to make running part of your regimen, 40 minutes at a time.

If you go to a bike race, you'll see obese people who ride a lot and are very fast. Same thing with swimming.

The only overweight folks at a running event are those who are just getting started!

You've gotta ride a bike for a couple of hours to equal 40 minutes of running. The best bang for the buck!

Good luck in your pursuit! You can do it if you put your mind to it! Piece of cake!

SRC said...

I'm down with your goal of 38, but like Missy said, you don't need to lose 50!!! I remember those 107 days...let's not go back there, kay? You were WAY too skinny. And hello??? You look great now, and more importantly...healthy!

Colored With Memories said...

wow, i enjoyed reading your story and am so glad you joined in!

Brittany said...

I keep a little notebook to write my points in. I keep it and my points books sitting on my kitchen counter so I don't forget. I can relate to your story. I was tiny when I got married( I thought i was fat then. whew!) then gained with the first baby and then gained with the second. I just gained a little more than you. We can do this!!!!

Sarah said...

Wow, what an amazing story. Thanks for sharing it. We are all here to support you.

mary helen/mom said...

ML I know that you can do it, you have more will power than me. Day at a time and soon you will see a healthy weight loss, but not to 107 as before. Love mom

Beth said...

Wow, ML - never realized how much you've truly been through. I know you're body has been really tough on you and thank you so much for sharing your story. This just proves how strong and amazing you are!

If it helps, I had nearly 50lbs to lose and it's still not gone. I work out 5 days/week, watch what I eat (for the most part), but agree that running will help. That's what's helped me most.

What bothers me so terribly when I look in the mirror is how much excess skin I have from not only gaining nearly 50lbs, and having an almost 10 lb baby, is that my boobs have been wrecked, too. We mommies go through so much to have our wonderful, precious, blessed babies.

Chin up - you are a BEAUTIFUL woman and give yourself time to reach your goals.

Much love,

Mom: Fitness Junkie said...

You are about as cute as you can be! Love your post and your story. I'll help as much as I possibly can!

The Smiths said...

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad you are joining in!

Think about running. It's been the best (and fastest) way I've found to lose weight. It's a great time to get away and have time to yourself as well.

I'll be checking in on Friday :)!

The Sanders House said...

You look great, as I mentioned this morning, and I will walk and walk with you to reach your goal. (and mine too...oh and yeah... I have not lost all of it yet, but thanks for the props!) I am going to start praying that God restores your body. I know you struggle with this on a daily basis and I am going to BELIEVE that He will do this. For someone who has both these things against would not know it. You are a positive, high spirited person...and with this combo I know you can get to where you want to be!

Diane Jaggi said...

I am right with you and I want to look good naked too! I have 20 lbs to lose to get back to my "marriage weight". Having babies do take a toll on your body. I wish you all the luck and no needs for sweets -but I want you to stay healthy. Take care.

Sara said...

wow, what an amazing story! you have a great mindset about everything! i love your honesty too!! this is going to be a fun journey for all of us! you can do it, and we're all here to help you!!!

bass family said...

I have Hashimoto's as well so I understand the thyroid part!! I so admire your honesty. I think you are already beautiful... just remember that as you strive toward your goal!

Posh Mama said...

Thanks for sharing all that, its tough I am sure. I am going to lose the weight too! See you on Fit Friday!