Friday, June 5, 2009

Dreams come true but hoping nightmares dont.

A long time ago, before I was married to Lance, before I had two beautiful children I had a dream. This dream was more of a nightmare. In fact it was long before I was even serious in any relationship. But this nightmare is one I will never forget. This said nightmare has been tucked away, tucked deep down and far away. That is until yesterday, yesterday I got some news that brought this nightmare out of its far away place.

You see I have Ulcerative Colitis, it's an autoimmune disease. Something that comes and goes but you have it for life. I lived for years with symptoms, not knowing what it was, too scared to find out, thinking it would go away. Sometimes it would. Then, then it came back with a vengeance. I was given a diagnosis back in 1997 that changed my life. I had a label to what was ailing me. I was then sick for many years. But then life changed in a magical way. I had a sustainable pregnancy back in Dec. 2005 and since that positive experience I have been in remission. No symptoms. Through another pregnancy I remained symptom free. I rejoiced in this as active colitis with pregnancy can be a terrible, terrible thing for all.

Now being symptom free could give false hope, it could lead one to live in a false reality. You see you are never really rid of this disease. In fact many times you could look healthy as can be and be sick and no one would be leave the pain or discomfort you are experiencing. I heard that for years. But back to this false reality, the one I was living in. I was on one hand waiting for my ticking time bomb to go off. I was on the other living life, not worrying about it. However, I recently had this nagging feeling that I had better get to a doctor, I hadn't seen a GI doctor since moving, since having two babies. Well that's not true. I did see one doctor in between babies. One appointment that fueled my false reality as I left feeling good seeing that I was symptom free and decided not to have a colonoscopy because gasp, I couldn't breastfeed for over 24 hours. At that time, this first time mommy wouldn't hear of any of that nonsense. After all I felt fine, I didn't have pain, discomfort or any other ugly symptom this UC can bring to ones life.

Last month I booked an appointment with a new doctor for when Nana would be in town. Just thought it was time to get a doctor in the ole Rolodex. Just in case. Just in case this disease raised it's ugly head. So Tuesday I bounced off, kid free to this appointment. Took a book I have been trying to read (the shack....ironically) as I was OK with waiting room time being kid free and all. So after several pages, I was called back. Met a nurse, nice lady, Then waited in the tiny exam room. Enjoyed another page of my book. Then the door opened. I then met the Doctor. We'll call him Dr. H. Dr. H is nice man. I enjoyed his bedside manner (VERY important to me, if its no good, I'll drop you). Dr. H then mentioned the word. Colonoscopy. Oh the "c" word. I replied, if we do this it has to be done this week because I had a Nana in town and that would fit the schedule best. Thinking Dr. H would laugh at me (in my past, colonoscopies are scheduled weeks out) but there was no laughing he simply said no problem. What? No, problem, well....OK. I walked with him to the scheduling nurse and booked Thursday morning. Thursday morning I would be all set, ready to go "under" for that colonoscopy. The day before is really the hard part as the day off, you get sent off for a nap....what mommy wouldn't enjoy a drug induced nap. I enjoyed it. I really enjoyed that nap. What I didn't enjoy was the wake up. Let's just say the wake up call I got was not conducive to my false reality.

Dr. H, kind in bedside manner told Lance and I that he found a 8 mm polyp in the sigmoid colon and a likely benign tumor in my transverse colon. He biopsied both and they were sent off to pathology. I now wait...wait two weeks to find out the results. He told me that my UC was not gone, mildly active....even with no symptoms......reminding me that this disease never goes away. Dr. H opened up the conversation of surgery, surgery to remove and resection my colon. This is and has been a fear of mine, would be of any UC patient for a very long time. You see, to get rid of UC, the only way to get rid or cure it is by removal. Dr. H opened this conversation due to the length of time I have had UC and the findings from this Colonoscopy. Reminding me that colon cancer is at a higher rate with UC patients that have had the disease for a said period of time. I lied in that bed a bit shocked, OK a lot shocked. This was NOT apart of my false reality world and I didn't want to open the door and step into the reality Dr. H was speaking of.

So in that moment of Dr. H talking, I closed my eyes and my nightmare appeared. It came out of it's deep far away place.....

My dream slash nightmare was that I would die. I would die leaving a husband with very young children. It was so vivid, it was me in that coffin as I watched the funeral.

So I wait, wait for my news of what Dr. H's biopsies find and I try, try to not focus on that nightmare....because I am hoping it won't come true.

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12 comments:

Savvy Little Women - Kate said...

I am so sorry you are going through this! Praying for you...

Its A Corny Life... said...

Geez ML, I am so sorry. I will pray that good news comes in 2 weeks. I am sure it will. Good things happen to good people...so you have nothing to worry about. I just know it.

xoxo

Jennifer said...

My SIL has the same thing, and many more issues. So I kinda know what this intales. I am sorry you have to experience this. I will be praying for you. Try to relax and not work yourself into a relapse.

Beth said...

I'm so sorry and I'm praying for you!!! I knew of your UC and thought you were in remission since you haven't spoke of it lately. Sending lots of love, hugs, support, positive thoughts, and prayers your way!!!

bass family said...

I know this will be a horribly long two weeks... I will be praying for you. I struggle not to live in fear and I am praying that you won't either.

Ethan, Zach, and Emma's Mom said...

Praying for you, dear. Know that God is with you through this whole ordeal.

Changes in L(attitude) said...

I am definitely keeping You, Lance and the little ones in my prayers. I believe in my heart, God would not present you with anything you could not handle. I pray you will hand this burden and worry over to the Lord and while you wait for results try not to agonoize too much. We love you!

Ethan, Zach, and Emma's Mom said...

P.S. The 10 commandment Boogie is on the Go Fish CD Superstar. Aren't they fun? Hope it brought a smile to your day!

yvette said...

Oh ML, my heart aches for you and having to wait. We will be lifting you and the family up in prayer.
love to you!

Jennifer said...

Wow! I had no idea...will keep you in my thoughts & prayers. Please update when you can!!!

Julie said...

The waiting is the hardest part. Take comfort in the fact the you and your family are held in His hand, no matter what the outcome. And while you wait, dwell on whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, and whatever is admirable.

Allison said...

I am just now getting caught up on my blogs I read often. I am so sorry to hear of this. I am praying for you and hope that you will find the exact right doctor that will help you through this.